CONTENT WARNINGS: Another heavy one.
- Violeta shows some level of understanding/sympathy/gratitude to the woman who turned her into a vampire. This can come across as very unsettling to some readers I imagine since it wasn't her choosing, so here's your warning.
- References to sexual intercourse, but nothing pictured.
- Pictured blood and the hunting of an animal.
- In continuation from the last chapter and Violeta being turned against her will: Having one's body changed by someone else has
its own traumatic connotations even if it isn't supposed to be analogous
to one specific thing here, so be careful. It's dealt with more heavily in this chapter.
- Mentions of death, dying, and the sensation of such a thing.
- Pictured blood, murder, and domestic abuse.
Violeta
Both Juniper and Clementia give me a look of concern. Juniper even looks somewhat empathetic.
"You were turned against your will, and left to fend for yourself in a world you did not understand...The cruelty..."
"When I came into a dire situation, Julian welcomed me here with open arms," Clementia interrupts.
Just as Mother Joyce did to her twin brother.
For a moment, I notice the two look at each other. Whatever their quarrels were before, they at least have something they can both agree on.
"Only very few people aren't welcome in the Peteran monastery. Since the dawn of the religion, we've been helping people regardless of their beliefs. I couldn't imagine leaving someone to fend for themselves when I have the means to help them."
"Indeed. So long as they are willing to obey the Watcher and follow Their teachings, Jacobism would have a place for them. I cannot imagine the agony you went through, Violeta. That woman who did that to you- be sure that the Watcher gave her the punishment she deserved in some way or another."
"I understand and appreciate the sentiment, Juniper, but...if anything, I felt a sort of - not sympathy, but - understanding for her."
The sheer look of surprise on their faces isn't a surprise to me, either. Violeta? Understanding? They have a right to think such things about me. I killed without a second thought most of the time, but I have my reasons.
"I don't understand! This woman ruined your life. She took your humanity from you. She turned you into what you are today. If it weren't for her, you'd have had a normal life. What level of understanding do you owe to someone so spiteful?"
Even so long after this has happened, it feels difficult to talk about - but necessary. Both of these two could do with an old woman's wisdom.
"I don't. I don't owe her anything, but as I said - the strigoi are thought to have been wronged in life and died in devastation. It is a cycle as old as time- women in unimaginable pain passing on their pain to everyone else. When all you know is a life of misery, what else do you have to show for it?"
"Just because she led a bad life, that didn't give her the right to ruin yours. Violeta, please, don't think of ways to excuse what she did to you. It was cruel-hearted. Evil, even." Clem's voice drips with desperation. "Her being a woman doesn't change that. Women are capable of doing cruel things. Juniper tried to have me killed, for goodness's sake."
"I know women are capable of cruelty, Clementia. I saw it that night. I've done it. I've been the cruel woman who killed innocents to survive. I've seen the old witches who let the werewolves and vampires nearly go extinct so they would not. Why do you think we are like that?"
"Juniper, tell me - why did you try to have Clementia killed?"
Juniper drums her fingers against her knees, and looks to the statue of Jacob behind the pulpit. If Jacobism insists that the Watcher's eye is always upon them, then she has no reason to lie to me.
"My main reason was that she stood in the way of something I'd fought for since I was her age. Unlike her, I had no Shepherd Julian. The things the men used to say to me tore me apart, but I wasn't going to let them win, and I wasn't going to let her stand in my way. I also suspected her of bewitching Julian into his sudden change to wanting to protect witches, and I suspected her brother of being a werewolf...Though even with him no longer in Henford, I still hear rumours of a wolf skulking about."
"I see. Now, do you both see where your problem lies? Not in magic, not in each other, but in...
Men."
Men are at the root of almost all problems, whether people want to admit it or not. I've been alive for close to three-hundred years. I've seen it all. The eventual madness of our mothers is often due to what they tolerated from their husbands or fathers. The reason these women here went on to want to hurt each other is entirely down to men. The reason Juniper is so fervently against witches is because men give her no choice but to be.
"As much as you both despise one another, Lord Volpe and the High Priests are your enemies, Juniper- not Clementia, and not any of the witches."
I believe I may have gotten through to them both, though Juniper grimaces at the fanciful carpet.
"And what has any man done to you that's worse than being turned into a monster?"
"Because of what she did, I became powerful," I explain to Juniper. "I survived well into a time where I could see women begin to realise their own worth. I was powerful enough that men feared me. I had a kind of confidence any other woman could kill for, and the only price I had to pay was drinking blood. I may not have asked to be this way, but like the two of you will know- sometimes, you have to cope with such things by forcing positives out of them.
No, what she did to me only made me stronger. What he did to me - he made me feel even less than human than I already felt."
Nothing she did could compare to what Eugen did to me.
"If you'd like, Violeta, we can-"
"No. I've gotten this far. I believe I owe you the rest."
I remember feeling something odd and sharp in my mouth- and then it occured to me.
I remember spitting two teeth into the grass, and feeling my newly-fledged fangs with my tongue. I'd tried to convince myself over and over that it was just a nightmare. It turned out, it was- just not in the literal sense of the word. The dawn sun was just creeping up on one side and yet I was not burning- it didn't even occur to me to hide from it, and yet I did not need to.
Everything sprung to life as I began to wither in undeath. All my senses were enhanced, and a day in the woods was overpowering with the scents of wet soil, fresh grass, and animals...
My first hunger hit not long after I awoke - a gnawing, painful, irresistible sensation in my stomach. I headed towards the nearest smell of a creature that I could pick out. It took a long time to get used to the heightened senses- there are plenty of scents in the outdoors far less pleasant than grass and flowers.
Vampiric hunger is extremely overpowering, enough to override whatever morality you have left, almost, once you become one.
It's like a hollow, burning sensation, one that forces thoughts of violence and destruction in your mind. Your brain becomes entirely enravelled in the insatiable urge to sink your fangs into the throat of the nearest person or creature you pass you by.
That poor deer was so young and beautiful, decorated with cute white spots, minding its own business. I could hear its heartbeat from where I was, and that experience for the first time was overwhelming. It grows with your hunger, louder and louder, like a drum banging in your ear. I could even smell the metallic scent of its blood.
I snuck up on it, and I tore out its throat.
I was too enwrapped in my new urges to feel anything for what I'd done in that moment- the taste of blood was invigorating, like nothing I'd ever felt before. It felt like an intoxicating substance. I felt how gods must feel, like nothing could destroy me, like I could live forever...then it dawned on me that I could.
In that height of primal fury, it hit me just how powerful I would become, but the taste for power would not last for long in that moment.
I drank until my stomach growled- that was when it hit me. It was quite possibly the last time I truly felt guilt in an emotional sense. The mess I'd made was atrocious. No predatory creature in existence would have done it with such gore...
I felt evil - truly evil. I wondered if it was a life I could truly stomach living- killing to survive. I tried to justify it to myself- how different was it from eating venison, from hunting animals for food as many around these parts did?
Of course, what about when animals would stop sating my newfound taste for blood?
When I got back home to my parents, they were understandably concerned. I felt ill trying to think what I would tell them.
I didn't know what hurt more- what had just happened, what I would become, or the thought of my parents disowning me, seeing me as a monster, something other than their daughter.
I was consumed with guilt, anxiety, nausea, and confusion. It was quite possibly the worst I'd ever felt aside from the loss of my son.
The way they eyed me, they knew what I was. They knew, didn't they? Parents always know. I didn't realise I still had blood on my face- then I vomited blood and foam all over the floor.
I remembered what they said to me.
My dear...what are you?
They eyed me the way a rabbit eyes a pack of wolves. I would never, ever hurt my family. The crushing feeling in my chest was immeasurable.
I told them: I'm your daughter.
It was the last time I cried, before vampirism took my tears from me.
I may be different now, I told them. I was bitten by one of them - the strigoi. It will change me. I will have a thirst for blood and perhaps some sensitivitity to the sun.
I may be cold to the touch, I may not breathe, I may have fangs. I'm still your daughter.
Whatever kind of a monster this affliction turns me into...I will always be your daughter. I will never hurt you. At the time I wasn't sure I believed it.
My parents were the most loving people on Earth. Many parents were more distant back then than they are now, but not them. They loved me like I had only just been born, and they loved me just as much in my rebirth.
My father said to me, with shivers in his voice - your mother and I told ourselves that, no matter what you would become, we would always love you. We don't see why we should include you becoming a strigoi in that. You will always be our daughter, Violeta.
My mother said to me, with sorrow in her voice - It doesn't matter what you do, Violeta. Who or what you kill, who you hurt, what becomes of you, how you change. You are still my daughter, and I will love you in every form, in every way.
Looking back on it, nothing else mattered. My parents still loved me for who I was, and their opinions were the only ones which mattered.
Back then, it occurred to me - what would Eugen think of me now? Surely he wouldn't love a monster...
* * *
I had little idea to what Eugen's reaction would be. I forced myself to tell him calmly what had happened to me.
As I begged and begged him that I would not hurt him, and that I was still worth his time and effort - and he took my cold palms into his and told me that it would change nothing. Of course, back then, I was more trusting. I took his word completely because that is all I wanted in that moment. All I wanted was his word, a little something to latch onto.
I revealed the bite marks on my neck, still sore, warm, and swollen.
Eugen told me that he would love me no matter what - after some time of being on the fence about him, I wholeheartedly believed it. I don't know what kind of awful luck it took for that to happen to me, but in that moment, it didn't matter. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world; the people most important to me still loved me despite everything.
* * *
Despite the nightmares and the mourning, I eventually scraped some joy from my condition. The hot flushes and irritation that came with age had seemingly gone away entirely. Eugen would go hunting more often for food, letting me feed on the carcass before we cooked it and used the rest of the animal for its hide, which I used for my work. I could stay up all day and night working and finish almost everything in one night. I barely needed sleep. I was much faster and more powerful...and might have broken the spinning wheel once or twice by mistake.
As I got more and more used to feeding off of carcasses, I wasn't ashamed of drinking blood. I was less disgusted by the changes that had happened to me. There was a strange euphoria in consuming the very life force of other beings, something that felt almost deific. With a steady supply and a reliable support network, I could still attempt to live something of a normal life...
...for some time.
My appearance had begun to change, my irises slowly turning white instead of their usual brown, and the pallor settling in whenever I wasn't drinking enough.
Eugen had started to grow somewhat distant towards me, often seeming frightful, or full of regret. I'd have preferred he told me he wanted nothing to do with me as a vampire - it would have prevented the arguments. Over time, he was always on-edge around me and more irritable.
I won't mention it in too much detail under a Jacoban cathedral roof, but vampirism had affected me in a way I had never thought much about it affecting before. It had made it more difficult to gain much of a sense of pleasure from my intimate life- and, in turn, Eugen's. We'd argued about it over and over until he eventually lost his temper with me multiple times. His irritability had become personal as opposed to just a struggle to adjust. I shan't repeat the crueller elements of what he said to me, but it wasn't at all pleasant. He chastised me for my performance and my changing looks, as well as finally opening up to me about his fears for his safety. He admitted to that me that my eyes and my pallor were 'ghostly' and 'unnerving.'
I didn't respond at all; back then, I was shocked. I know that I rushed into the relationship, and that I went along with it without thinking. I tried to be patient with him, knowing that it may take some time to adjust- but to insult me over such personal things he once praised me about? Back then, it felt like a blade in my chest.
Over time, as we grew more distant and the arguments more fierce, I felt a deep sadness, one that I had no catharsis for, other than the one I'd been trying to distract myself from.
I started taking walks at night, and made something of a friend out of a woman that roamed the woods at night for similar reasons to me- to get away from others. I told her of my situation with Eugen, and I noticed how she used to look so deeply into my eyes, in a peculiar way. I wondered if she knew what I was- she noted I looked 'thirsty'. Eventually, she introduced me to fishing- a useful way to cope with the bloodlust.
The arguments only continued- asking why I was out so late, and with whom, and now we never spent time together anymore. Eugen, like many men, wanted me as far away from him as possible and yet simultaneously at his side whenever he may have needed me for something.
Every woman believes she is a mother the moment a child is born from her womb. No, a woman is a mother the moment she herself is born. She will be a mother to her father, her brother, her spouse. She will be a mother to every man she ever meets. That is what I had become to Eugen. I'd reduced myself to cooking for him and trying to soothe his constant rage towards me. It had only gotten worse since we had stopped being intimate together.
As the days passed, my sadness spiralled into anger. I became consumed by dark thoughts related to my new power. I was a vampire. If I wanted, I could just kill him if I really wanted to. Back then, the thought haunted me. I'd been mostly drinking from game animals and fish. Could I really drink from a person?
I'd spent some more time with the woman I saw on the night. We'd agreed to spend some time together during the day, both commiserating over our partners and discussing things we enjoyed. Her name was Narcisa -she was beautiful, and over time, I found the feelings I had for Eugen had changed in a way I had not expected.
I'd begun to feel for her that way. It wasn't something in the ordinary, at least it didn't feel that way. Before vampirism dulled my emotions, it had enhanced what was left of them. I'd known her for mere weeks, and already I felt this way for her- but there is a safety and a comfort in women I never found in men.
As it turned out, she was a lady of the night- I had a feeling she was telling a lie to cover herself when we first met, but I told her there was no need for shame; there was enough expectation of shame in a woman's life, and we needed at least one aspect of ourselves that we felt no shame about.
Eventually, I worked up the courage to tell her my feelings about her, and was surprisingly not met with disdain. She told me it wasn't the first time it had happened, and I had offered to pay her for a night's service. Even if I didn't get any pleasure out of it, the comfort of a woman was all I wanted.
To my surprise, she lowered my hand, told me to keep my Simoleons- but yes, she would. She'd noticed that I was a vampire. I asked why she wasn't scared- she told me women of the night have dealt with worse monsters than vampires.
Eugen was at work. She'd offered that we find somewhere else, but I told her not to worry. I didn't care if Eugen saw us. If he tried anything, then I'd just use my powers to overpower him. For the first time in my vampiric life, I truly felt powerful. As it were, it turned out she had one particular interest...she wanted to know what it was like to be bitten. I wasn't sure how I felt at first, but for my first human bite to be a willing participant seemed a positive- and it was.
Despite my vampirism's effect on it, I felt a great deal of pleasure with this woman. as I drank her blood, I felt a desire to protect her- and in that, I felt a heightened desire to get rid of Eugen. I didn't need him. I didn't want to act on it at first. It was just a fantasy to keep me stable.
Once we were done, I thanked her for her time- and not long after, he came home, asking why someone else was in the home with me, worried that perhaps someone might have known what he was truly like.
This where the Violeta you know was born. I told him everything. I told him how I found a friend in her, and how I'd found more than a friend in her. How she'd given me a pleasure he never could.
He hated it- so much, in fact, that he struck me for what I'd done. So I looked at him, as sad a face as I could muster...and offered him a hand, feigning apology. I feigned the emotion so well that he fell for it, and I grabbed his hand so tight he'd have no chance of escaping.
I had no clue what had changed, other than that I was grey- but I had the kind of power any woman would dream of.
For a man like Eugen to fear me like that- it was incredible. He showed his true colours to me, so I showed him mine. As it so happened, mine were far scarier than his.
At first, I intended to only keep going until he fainted- but I didn't. I needed to be rid of him. I drank without stopping, revelling in his growing weakness until his breathing ceased.
* * *
"I apologise...I got a little carried-away in my explanation. That is the first time I have told anyone other than Oskar the entirety of what happened. I fled with the help of the kindness of some nomadic peoples on a journey to Windenburg- and that was where Oskar and I met. I felt horrific leaving my parents behind without a word, but in truth, I worried that I would hurt them- that my distance to them would have been beneficial.
"I understand the issues you both have with each other - believe me, I do, but you both need to realise that neither of you are the enemy to the other. I was terribly hurt by a woman, but I hate Eugen far more than I hate her. We hurt each other because we were hurt, also, much like you two. Men hurt one another because they can, because they want to be in charge.
The only enemy that needs to be dealt with is the men who have worked to keep the two of you in as much of a cage as they can get away with keeping you in. Perhaps dealing with High Priest Thorne is not particularly easy, but with some work, I'm sure you can work together and Volpe and his men.
What do you both think?"
"You did not deserve any of that, Violeta, but I think you are over-extending a little. Eugen was a horrible, vile man, but times have changed since then. Not every man deserves what he deserved."
"And not every lion will bite off your hand if you put it into his mouth, but is it worth taking the chance? Lord Volpe will chew you up, spit you out and set you alight if you don't do something about him - even if that is merely talking your followers out of their admiration for the man."
I notice a sense of reflection in Juniper's features...