CONTENT WARNINGS: Some discussion of violence in the context of Reynold's first turning.
Róisín
The sun is almost down- and what a long day it's been! I'm furious!
I don't get what it is about everyone living in this Watcher-forsaken village! Everyone here is in love with the place. They call it a safe haven, and say we are only safe because of Glimmerbrook. Well, fourteen years of the same forest and the same old home is nauseating!
Matis and Verity tell me Henford wouldn't be safe. Mother tells me Henford wouldn't be safe. We haven't hardly heard anything from the witchfinders for years, and the few we've had to deal with have been dealt with in little time! Surely Violeta must have gotten rid of most of them back in Henford ! So why can't I go?
"Because it's not safe, Róisín. We've told you plenty of times. I understand what night it is-"
"No! This has nothing to do with the full moon! This is to do with the fact that everyone here is treating me like I'm some kind of helpless child!"
"You are still a child. You are not a woman yet, nor do you have the necessary control over your own magic to keep yourself safe."
"That's not it, is it? You just won't let anyone go because you want us all to rot here living off of nothing but soup and leaves! You don't want witches to be safe! You want us to stay here and never leave! What's safe about that?"
Tsuna gives me a disgusted look. Well, at least one of has other than my mother has to be brave enough to be honest with her. Just because she considers herself our leader, it doesn't mean we can't disagree, can it?
"Róisín, you are beginning to test my patience. Why don't you go and spend some time by the waterfall?"
I'm sick of arguing with her, so I do as she says and I head for the waterfall. I'd rather not be surrounded by people right now- all of them seem to make it their mission to be entirely against me for no reason at all! I'm so fed up with everybody here.
* * *
Lunvin, why do people never understand us? Why is it that the trivial anger of others is completely acceptable and normal, and yet our sacred anger is frowned upon? Why is our anger considered worse than that of others? Is it because ours is magical, and so somehow worse?
Why don't even witches care to try and understand us?
The waterfall itself does little to clear my head on nights of the full moon. I cannot shake this burning in my muscles. I toss rocks across the water to try and distract myself, but no distraction can stop the tide of Lunvin's ire. It is as overpowering as it is for a reason. It reminds us of our duties to protect others and ourselves. It reminds us of what we do not deserve, and what we should not put up with from others. A life without anger is no life at all- how else would you know how to be properly treated?
The main reason I come out this way is because Father lives here. He's always around here on these nights, skulking around, but he's not always easy to spot- even with the striking blue eyes. Even when he's unable to speak, he knows how to comfort me.
I hear a sound - a raucous, curious snarling, followed by the rustle of bushes and the thud of huge paws against the stone. I turn to see Father, revealed from the shadows by the moonlight, his eyes upon me.
"Good evening, Father. I'm glad at least one of us is enjoying ourselves."
Father sniffs around at the air, and seems curious about the white watery froth at the edge of the stone circle. I wonder how he got through this. Mother says something like this would be far easier for any man than it would be for a woman - women are not allowed to feel anger, yet right now, that is all that courses through me. I can't overcome this, not the same way most women can.
"Someday, Father, I would love to have a catharsis like yours," I tell him. He tilts his head a little. "Wolves do not care what others think of them, do they? Wolves can do whatever they like... but I still have many years until I will look like you."
Every night since my late childhood, I dreamt of being a wolf- both one like my father, and an ordinary wolf. I dreamt of pacing through the forests without a care in the world. I dreamt of running through shallow streams and pouring rain. Most of all, I dreamt of being free of the confines of humanity and its strange rules and values. Even in a commune almost entirely comprised of women, I sometimes fear what men would eventually think of me.
In my anger, I feel conflicted - my desire to leave Glimmerbrook, and my desire to stay, clash with each other. I want to revisit the town in which I grew up in. I want to see Alistair again. I want to see Uncle Eli. I want to meet Katlego again. I do not remember her well, but I know she was good to my mother when she needed it. I'd also like to meet the man who tried everything in his power to save my grandfather, Dr. Annorin. There's so much I'd like to do there, yet it seems not only do people have no faith in me ever returning, but I always worry... I know that the people in Henford are nothing like the people here.
Just as I go to talk to Father again, he dashes off, curious about a sound in the distance.
As I always am the day after a full moon, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt, and so I must make my apologies - starting with my closest friend, Matis. He always says the same to me every time I go through this...
"Róisín, you know...that I know...that you don't mean what you say on those days. I never take it personally."
"It's still wrong of me. I feel like I'm always going to be like this. I'm always going to hurt the people closest to me. It's okay if you don't want to be-"
"Of course I still want to be your friend. I'd never ditch you over something you have little control over. And you needn't feel so guilty. Plenty of people are far worse than you, and with far less guilt about it."
I feel like I can never do enough for my friends. There's so much I want to give them, but I can't. I give him a hug- the only way I can truly show someone how much I care about them.
There's an anxiety that rages through me whenever I let myself be close to someone, whether friends or family. I fear that, one day, I may hurt them- and not just emotionally.
* * *
Tsuna seemed to brush off my apology. The rest of the women gave me their usual sweet reassurances, but I cannot help but feel Tsuna is beginning to tire of me. My mother is still asleep, so I pay Father a visit. The two of us wander close by to the settlement as the clouds begin to roll in.
"Father...Will I always feel so remorseful?"
I remember my grandfather Oskar telling someone that guilt was the most useless of emotions, and his life only became easier once he stopped feeling it. A life without it sounds like almost a blessing, but then without remorse, how would you know you'd hurt somebody you cared about?
"My anger upon the full moon- all it does is hurt people, and unlike you, I cannot channel it into the wolf in the night. I wake up with my muscles burning in anger and that sickening feeling in your stomach when you know you've made an unforgivable mistake."
"Unforgivable? No, no, there's worse someone can do than what you do. You have to remember, you have a lot on your plate. You're a few years away from being a young woman, you've been on the run from regular society since you were a child, and you're dealing with allsorts in your mind. I won't lie to you, Róisín, young life is not easy for the Lunvinchenaîné. It is as much a blessing as it is a curse. You won't learn to find ways to mitigate Lunvin's ire in a way that keeps things healthy until you're an adult."
"So I'm just going to chase everyone I love away as a teenager, and then I'll hurt somebody when I'm an adult, too, won't I?"
My hands are shaking from my anxiety, and I try to withhold the tears from my father.
"Father...Did you struggle the way I did? Have you ever hurt someone when you really didn't mean to?"
Father freezes, and says nothing for a moment. He tuts to himself, looking away.
"I believe you're old enough to know this now. Yes, I have- someone close to me...My sister."
There's a sickly feeling in my chest. I was hoping he'd say he didn't, that he found a way through it all when he was my age. I do not remember much of Aunt Clem, only that Reynold spoke of her a lot. I can already see the shame in his eyes.
"Isn't it normal for siblings to get into serious disagreements?"
Reynold's eyes are intensely focused on mine. I feel like I've made an awful memory resurface.
"They do, but I didn't only hurt Clem emotionally. That was my first turning into the wolf. I managed to heal her with my lunar magic, but I'd almost killed her."
A shiver runs down my spine just thinking about it. I know that his father didn't teach him anything about his blood. I know it wasn't his fault, nor was it Aunt Clem's. I know that we are difficult to deal with, and I know that our anger can lead us down dangerous paths.
"Has she forgiven you?"
"We forgave each other long ago. I'm sorry. I understand if this revelation has hurt you."
"No...No, not at all, Father. I understand that it was not entirely within your control. You wouldn't do that now. I forgive you, but...why can't I forgive myself?"
I can't let Father see my tears. I can't shake the thoughts. The vile and cruel things I said to Matis yesterday won't stop repeating themselves. I'd told him that I didn't trust him, that he was a terrible friend for not tolerating my outbursts...when he always does.
My mind becomes filled with violent, frenzied visions of a shadowy wolf tearing him to pieces, the women of the commune screaming and fleeing for safety. My mother's wide, deerlike eyes staring at me with deep regret. Is that who I will become?
I cannot hide it from him anymore. I burst into hideous amounts of tears. I can't stop them.
"I can't stop thinking about it, Father- what if I do something like this to one of the women at the commune? Or to Matis and Verity? I can't do it- I can't hurt them! I already hurt them enough!"
"Róisín...I can't predict the future, but yours is far more certain. I'm doing all I can to teach you how to cope. There's a good chance you won't make my same mistake," he says to me, in a soft tone. "Hurting people is an unfortunate part of life. You can't go your entire life without hurting anyone. All you can do is do what you can to be better next time."
"You will always have your mother and I, you know that. It doesn't matter what you do- we will always be there for you, and so will your friends. You are going to make mistakes, Róisín- you're still young. Please, I know you're desperate to find your wolf form, but have some patience with yourself, okay?"
I always feel safe in my father's arms. Despite all that seems to be stacked against me, I can forget about it whilst I'm in the presence of either of the two people who will always love me regardless of what awaits me, regardless of how I come to cope with Lunvin's gifts later on in life.