CONTENT WARNING: slight mentions of domestic abuse
Daniel
a month later
Father has gone to bed after a long day of fishing. Tomorrow, we go to the markets at Finchwick again over the weekend in the hopes of selling what we don't plan to eat.
In a sense, it's good to be back to a normal life. I enjoyed what I learned of woodwork with Eli, but come to think of it, fishing's not so bad. Maybe if I save enough money, I can look at setting up something of a workshop here- Father and I will have a way to earn good money over the winter then.
I read the letter I received this afternoon- I can barely read the handwriting, though I recognise the surname in the signature - Annorin. It's written on fanciful paper, decorated with a sort of watermark of a gryphon in the background. This is definitely a physician's handwriting. I can't read a thing otherwise.
I've been meaning to apologise to Eli for the way I treated him, I've just been too busy with work. I figure I'll take the chance of going to see Owen, see what this is all about. He's a physician, so he's going to be logic over emotion, I imagine. Maybe he'll understand my side of the story, at least.
* * *
The Annorin mansion is no less daunting than ever. I see a man leave with a crutch and a bandaged stump of a leg. I hope I never have to have anything amputated. I doubt Josiah will dip into surgery. There's a young housemaid looking down at her hands who turns to me in fright, quickly grabbing her broom and seemingly pretending to brush away something on the floor. Hey, if she's taking a break on the job, I'm not going to judge. If Annorin wants her to work harder, he should pay accordingly. He's got enough money, hasn't he?
"Hello there, Miss. I got a letter from Owen Annorin-"
"Yes, hello! You must be Mr. Reyes."
"I am, yes, but I'm not actually sure what he wanted. To be honest...I can't read his handwriting."
"Oh?" The young girl giggles. "You won't be the first or the last to say that! Pass it here, I'll take a crack at it."
"Let's see. Dear Mr. Daniel Reyes - Umm, err... Oh, goodness, this is bad, isn't it? Oh- there, look. There's 'Eli', that's his brother. Oh. Oh! You're Eli's - Ohhhh, this is interesting, such drama! I have to keep reading!"
"...'Your side'... and also - what letter is that? Is that even in the Henfordian Simlish alphabet?"
"Sorry, Mr. Reyes, that's all I could get from this! It's like ancient scripture! It's like a drunken spider managed to pick up a quill and pen this entire letter-"
"Miss Kinsey?"
The young girl turns to her employer, hiding the letter behind her back. I hope I haven't gotten her in trouble.
"Oh! Dr. Annorin- I mean, Owen! How lovely to see you! And what wonderful writing you have! The flourishes, the elegance- it's like it's written by an old monarch!"
"Why don't you go and prepare some breakfast for our guest, Tilly?"
"Of course, Owen! Right away! And you as well! I'm making sure you eat this morning- Lydia's orders," she adds, right on time with her employer's growling stomach.
"Thank you, Tilly."
The girl rushes into the kitchen, but I don't hear any pots going, nor do I smell anything cooking.
"My fault, Owen. I distracted her-"
Owen makes a small creepy chuckling sound in his throat. "Don't apologise, Daniel. She isn't in trouble. I'm glad you arrived. Though, I must ask...Is my handwriting really so awful?"
"Well..."
"No, don't answer that question," he interrupts, leading us into the kitchen. Tilly rushes back to the table to put out the cutlery; who needs this many different knives and forks?
"Breakfast is served! Bon appetit!"
There's an aroma of hot tea. The kitchen has been completely redone since last time. It's a lot more spacious, and somehow less gaudy. The small round table has been replaced with a huge long table, complete with a gryphon centrepiece- all the fanciness you'd expect from someone with far too much money. I feel like steak and vegetables is a bit heavy for breakfast, but I won't say no, and dive straight in.
"I understand you might be unnerved by me summoning you here- but I wanted to hear your side of the story where the...situation between you and my little brother is concerned. I imagine there were heated emotions on both sides."
There was, and Eli deserved none of them. He could have listened to me, of course he could have- but it isn't like I listened to him, either.
"There was. I said some things to him I couldn't take it back. I was forced into witchfinding by Volpe. I didn't hurt anyone- Micah did all that for me. Oskar killed Micah, and in the heat of it all, I defended myself from Oskar and left a cut on his face."
Owen's expression changes frantically - something nearly like a charging bull when I mention Volpe, and something of genuine surprise when I mention Oskar.
"Volpe? He's a sly fox- gets the youth of Henford to do his dirty work because he's too cowardly to pick up a sword and do it himself. As for Oskar? I knew him, quite well, and I knew bits and pieces of his formidable past. Who wouldn't try to defend their life from an ex-vampire and an ex-soldier?"
Owen understands. Thank goodness, he understands.
"I know it isn't your fault, Daniel, I had a feeling it wasn't. I understand that Eli is upset, but...I've kept many a secret from him. I cannot judge you for that. From all I know of you, and all of what Eli tells me about you, you've got a good head on your shoulders. You two are a good fit, I believe. "
"Well, we were- until I said all those horrible things to him, telling he was fragile and over-emotional. It's why I never told him about any of it, I knew he wouldn't give me a chance to explain."
"I see." Owen takes a gentle sip of his tea, but he's still not touched his breakfast. "And do you regret what you said to him?"
"Yeah. I do."
Two weeks or so after it happened, I felt a cold pool of shame in my gut and it hasn't left since. I gaze down at the proud gryphon statue, and across to Owen- who seems anything but proud. Maybe 'the Gryphon' isn't as confident as it looks deep down.
"You and I both, Daniel. I've said to him on multiple occasions that he's far too emotional about everything. He hasn't spoken to me since. He came to me on the night after you two fell apart, yelling at the top of his voice. Wouldn't give me a chance to talk, either, when I told him he might not have considered all sides of what was going on.
I haven't been the best brother to him, Daniel. Growing up, he was almost like a son, in an odd way, given the fact we're a ludicrous fifteen years apart. Once I was an adult, I began to grow frustrated with him. I couldn't relate to him; we had little in common at that point. I was in my twenties, and he was only just beginning to learn basic arithmetic. I cared about little else other than my medical studies, and had no time to play with him."
"I mean, there's a gap of minutes between me and my brother, so I think I get what you're saying. But trust me, Eli doesn't hate you. He loves you- always will. He always spoke highly of you and the way you turned yourself and the Annorin name around. You looked after him when your father made him upset."
He looks slyly to the side for a second.
"I get it, honestly. Josiah and I are different too, and we used to fight a lot growing up. We don't agree on everything, but we still think the world of each other, and Eli feels no differently about you. Sure, you weren't the 'best brother', in your words- but I know what Samuel did to him. Samuel was way, way worse than anything you could have said or done."
Owen lets out a deep sigh, and a look of pure guilt washes across his face. It's almost unreal. That neutral, almost cold expression practically never disappears most of the time.
"I appreciate your understanding... I feel we both have reason to apologise, Daniel, and I feel you may have a sense of awkwardness about doing it alone. I wanted to ask if you'd want to perhaps come with me, so we can both offer an apology to him. How does that sound?"
"I think that might work. On one condition - you eat your breakfast, like Tilly said. You'll say all the wrong things if you're hungry."
He huffs at me, and I can't tell if it's in jest or not. "Goodness, you sound just like my wife..."
Eli
It turns out I work a lot harder when I don't have feelings getting in the way.
I've tried to work on pushing them away as soon as they enter, because it's bad to feel things. It's bad to react in any way to anything. That's what Samuel said to me. That's what Owen said to me, too, and Daniel.
Read any work of fiction, from masterpieces by the greats right down to the penny-dreadfuls and you'll see that people love to read about how the people in between the pages feel. They love to read about them, they love to see the highs and the lows and the in-betweens of their lives.
Everyone adores emotion and passion, but only in theory and only behind closed doors. Open your heart in the real world, and you're too fragile, you over-react, you just don't understand, you haven't looked at all sides of the story.
Come to think of it, sometimes people were the same to Oskar. In his past, those who loved him for his quirkiness soon came to despise him for it when he got too over-excited or overly-interested in something. Oskar may not have been my father by birth, but he passed on his love for the world to me. He taught me to be passionate about my creations, but how can I? How can I be passionate knowing that my clients, my family, the entire world outside of my front door would berate me for it if they saw that was how I was as a person?
Daniel, Samuel, Owen, everyone - they'll be glad that I'm having to leave behind all my father taught me for their comfort. Then, they'll notice something seems different about me. They'll notice I'm not smiling, they'll notice that I've lost my touch, and they'll say about how Eli used to be such a kind and cheerful soul, won't they? Eli is too much and too little at the same time. Daniel gets to be angry at me for having important things withheld from me -again, Owen is considered such a caring soul by everyone who's ever been his patient. But somewhere, Eli did something wrong in showing his heart to others.
Someone knocks the door. It's quite loud. It sounds like my brother. I take a deep breath, and hope he likes how things have changed.
"Good morning, Eli. Daniel and I have something we'd like to say to you. May we come in?"
I expect to feel shame, guilt, and anger...but I don't. I actually don't feel anything. My brother and my ex-partner are on my doorstep about to feign an apology and I couldn't care less.
"Come in, then."
They look concerned. I lead them into the kitchen.
"Go on, then. Speak."
I can't bear myself to look at either of them. I can already predict entirely what they're going to say to me.
"We realise we said a lot of things to upset you, Eli."
"I should have told you earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did."
"I've said many things to you over the years about being too emotional, and I realise now that I've been inconsiderate of your feelings."
"And if I started showing my feelings again, you'd complain. Too much or too little. You always want to control how and when I feel something, don't you? You people treat the emotionally-sensitive like dolls."
"I understand, Eli, and I want you to know that we're both sorry for all that we've said to you."
"I'm not asking for you back, Eli. I just want you to know that I realise we both said some things to hurt each other, but I know you regret what you said- and so do I."
No, don't fall for it. I can feel that sickly warmth in my stomach telling me to let them both off the hook. If anything, I'm more annoyed at Owen. Dan made one mistake, yet Owen has repeated this same apology over and over again.
"Okay."
The two of them look at me, perplexed. "Okay? You don't have anything else to say? If you do, we're listening. We want you to be honest."
What's the use in wasting words on them?
"I don't have time for anything else. I have work to do, and so do you two."
With that, I open the front door for them both and head back into my workshop, resting against the door.
Thank goodness that's over. They didn't like my response, but they wouldn't have liked me holding them accountable either. But that doesn't matter now, because Eli is burying his feelings from now on.
At least, he's certainly going to try. But how can he? Now I've seen them both, they all come back to me like a flood, and I hate it. I hate it so much.
Everyone I know is either allowed to have feelings, or doesn't. The only people that genuinely care about me are either dead or far away from here, like my sister-
One moment.There might be one person who knows how I feel. One person who struggles with his own powerful emotions, who often feels like he doesn't always have control over them, who's been a good listener to everyone for countless years, who won't make judgments.
Maybe I can get Violeta to send him a letter.
Reynold
I enter just as Clem's delivering the end of a sermon. It seems like she's so focused on the crowd she hasn't noticed me yet.
"What I'm trying to say is- even if it feels like, now, everything seems completely out of your grasp- it isn't. It might be closer than you think."
"Believe me, I felt like that once, a long time ago- and look at me now, surrounded by the best people..."
As she says that, she eyes all of the Peterans, and then me at the end of the room.
"And you know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you, Reynold?"
All the Peterans jump off the pews, Susana almost falling face-first on the carpet.
"You're back! After all this time, you're back!"
"It's wonderful to see you again, Reynold," Elias says, with an uncharacteristic smile. "I hope you're feeling better."
"You didn't think I wasn't going to come back at all, did you?"
Clem sprints past the pews, almost tackling me to the ground.
"Owch! - Love you too, Clem..."
"I'm so glad to have you back, brother!"
"And I'm glad to be back," I tell her, "but...I should be honest, I'm not back to stay. I'm going to stay with Áine and Róisín in Glimmerbrook."
"What? You mean...you're not coming back at all?"
"Well, I'll visit now and again, but I think it's a much better place for witches, and I want to raise my daughter in a community where she doesn't have to pretend not to have magic in her blood. But, I've been thinking, Clem...Would you want to take over the monastery?"
At first, her eyes light up, but her joy is short-lived. It's almost overwhelming, the guilty feeling that sets in.
"You think I'm trying to take over, don't you?"
"What? No, not at all. I just thought maybe you'd like to be in charge of something again. Not only that, but I've decided it's about time I dedicated myself entirely to Lunvin now. I guess I just...don't feel Peteran anymore."
"Reynold, you...you have overcome the 'ghosts', haven't you?"
"I have, thanks to my partner."
"Then why don't you feel Peteran anymore?"
"No bad reason, Clem. I suppose I just feel more of a connection to Lunvin now than I do to the Watcher," I explain. "Besides, the Watcher has millions of followers, and Lunvin only has two. I think I ought to devote myself to Her from now on."
"I...I understand. You do what's best for you, dear brother."
"Well, at least the new abbess has a choice this time around."
"Reynold had a choice!"
"No, I didn't. None of you wanted to do it."
"See? Whereas Clem wants to be in charge!"
"Well, you did kind of nudge her in that direction, Susana-"
"I did not!"
"Wherever you go and whatever you do, Reynold, you have our blessing - and you're always welcome back here."
"I appreciate you all, and all you have done for me," I tell them, trying to withhold tears."I will always be here for you all. I hope you know-"
With little warning, they envelope me in a group hug - all except Elias, who stands there laughing.
"We'll miss you!"
"You're all acting like I'm leaving the country!" I reply, chuckling. "I'll be back at some point, I promise."
"Oh, Reynold - someone was here earlier asking when I'd seen you last? Someone called Eli?"
Eli? He must be quite lonely without his sister around and with his brother likely too busy for him. Maybe I ought to go and see him.
* * *
The stench of woodwork fills my nostrils. Eli doesn't seem as cheery as he usually does, but he seems to have been hard at work.
"You're making good progress, I see."
"Yeah...it doesn't feel like it. The reason I was asking the monastery about you, I guess I got desperate and wondered if you'd be back soon. I'm glad you are. I don't know what to do."
"What to do with what, Eli?"
"With feelings, I guess," he replies, with a sigh. "Everyone berates me for being too emotional, so I've been trying to not be emotional."
"No, no, Eli, you don't want to do that," I tell him. "When I was cut off from my magic, my feelings were weakened, and it was the worst experience I've ever had. Believe me, I'd rather have the highs and the lows than nothing at all."
"I know that you get it, Reynold. I know the full moon makes you feel like you can't control your anger, but I used to feel like that about all of my feelings, even the good ones. Whenever I'm angry about something, everyone has a problem - even if I have a right to be upset."
I nod to myself. I know exactly what he means.
"I understand, Eli. I actually think this is part of why people fear witches so much. All people with magic are emotionally influenced by some degree by moonlight - me more than most. If you work to dull your emotions, or don't hang on to them, then you'll forget what you deserve. One of Lunvin's most important teachings is to value anger- it's practically sacred to us. It isn't bad- it reminds you of what you deserve. You just have to use it carefully."
His eyes bulge for a moment, glossing over with what might be held-back tears.
"I...I don't know. I've tried not to be so emotional this past month or so, but...I don't know. My brother and my ex-partner always said I was too much, then they tried to apologise to me! I just can't find the right way to feel things, Reynold."
"Neither can I, Eli, but you shouldn't minimise yourself for anyone. Your brother will eventually do the right thing, I have no doubt. As for your ex-partner, well, there's always going to be someone out there who will love you for who you are. I mean, I didn't think anyone would love an awkward priest who was also a werewolf, but I found your sister, didn't I?" I chuckle, and it makes him smile a little. "Whittle away at the wood, Eli, not at yourself. It's not worth it."
I think I've gotten through to him. He does the awkward expression I always remember from him.
"Well, I guess you've got a good point. Maybe I should just keep to my work. And I'll try not to stop myself from being passionate or angry. I'd be unlearning something Oskar taught me otherwise."
"That too," I tell him, with a hand on his shoulder. "Your father taught you well; listen to him as well as me. And if you need either me or your sister, we're only a letter away, you know that."
"Oh? You're going to live with her? That'd be good, I suppose. Anywhere's better than Henford right now. It feels empty here."
As I leave, he turns back to his woodwork and starts hammering with a re-emerging vigour.
"Oh, Reynold-"
"Yes, Eli?"
"Thank you for listening to me. You don't know just how much I appreciate it."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: the chapter title, elements of Eli's narration are inspired by this comic.