CONTENT WARNING: Overall depressing atmosphere, a lot of discussion of death, fear of loss, one instance of bad language, animal attack on a human (it's a comical scene where a dog bites someone, but I'm just being careful)
Áine
The newfound quiet is equal parts peaceful and equal parts unsettling. When you have a child, quiet becomes suspicious. It makes you wonder what else they've managed to break with an excited cast of raw magic.
Not only that, but I can't help but think that something might have happened to Róisín. Not hearing her voice unsettles me, but it's yet another difficult decision of parenting- especially parenting a witch child. I can't keep her wrapped up and protected forever. I have to let her have experiences and live her life, but I would never stop blaming myself if something were to happen to her. How much do you protect them, and how much do you let them go?
I've napped uninterrupted, made breakfast, and did my share of the cleaning. I'm not used to this much free time- I can't think of what I should do with it all. I spend so much time thinking about other people that I haven't been terribly sure about what I want to do.
The books we have here, I've read so many times over and over already. There's nothing in this house that interests me. I suppose I can go and see how Eli is doing, but I don't know how busy he is. If he isn't busy with work, he's busy with the partner I still haven't met.
There's a knock at the door.
"If this is the Jacobans again, no, I do not want to be saved from the Eve of Retribution, I do not want a pamphlet, and I do not want a box of honey-and-oat biscuits shaped like the eye of the Watcher, no matter how chewy and delicious they may be!"
"Ohh, but Áine, won't you please give us all of your money, Áine? We'll starve if you don't buy our delicious chewy biscuits! Our survival upon the Eve of Retribution depends entirely on you buying these lovely treats!"
The voice that responds is mocking and pathetic, but I can tell exactly whose voice it is when he starts laughing. A warm sensation fills my chest, and I throw my arms around him.
It's been so long since I've seen him that I'm still not used to him looking like this. I'm so used to him being cold and bony that I'm still not used to him being warm and cuddly. The gentle thud of his heart soothes me. I've missed him so much. I didn't want to let go of him. I don't ever want to let go of him. In a way, I'm glad he isn't a vampire anymore, but in other ways...
"It's been too long, Áine," he says, in a soft voice. "I apologise. A lot has been happening."
"Is something wrong?"
"Oh, just a few things on my mind," he replies, "but I'm not here to grovel. I went to visit Alistair the other day and he said about himself and Reynold going to Lunvik. I'm off to Windenburg for a few days, so I thought I'd ask if you wanted to come along."
"I thought you said you never wanted to go back to Windenburg? You said it was probably completely ruined by factories at this point."
"I did, but I've nothing better to do at the moment, and I thought you'd be bored at home and fed up of being cooped up in here."
He was right. I could really use any excuse to get out of the house, and a trip to Windenburg seems as close as I'll get to any kind of adventure at this moment in time.
"Did Eli not want to go?"
"He said he wanted to 'work on his commissions', though I do believe that's code for 'I have the house to myself," he replies, laughing. "Daniel is such a nice young man. They're lucky to be together."
I don't have any reason not to tag along with him. Oskar always tells me there's a lot of history to the place, but history to me is a childhood to him. What if all of these nostalgic places have fallen to industry since his time?
"Well, okay, I'll come along for a few days whilst Reynold and Róisín are away."
I expect Oskar to perk up when I mention that, but oddly, he doesn't. Is there something going on that he isn't telling me? I'm tired of people not being honest with me. Either way, I begin packing necessities away. I should be more excited than I am to be spending time with my father away, but there's something unsettling about his demeanour.
* * *
When we arrive at Windenburg, I'm taken aback by the beauty of the place. Almost like Luvnik, there's a duality about it- a clash of history unchanged for many years and the new industrial buildings threatening something that's been a staple of this place for so long. Windenburg had always been a place of bustling industry, but it seemed there were a few places yet to be taken over by grey metal factories.
"Everything looks...almost spectacularly the same as it did before," Oskar exclaims. "I suppose I wasn't the only one frozen in time."
Even Oskar is surprised how little the place has changed over his lifetime. The architecture is gorgeous, and the snow-topped mountain backdrop is a stunning reminder of how insignificant we all are compared to nature. Oskar must have longed to come back here deep down- it's much more beautiful than Henford.
It feels like a dreamworld, and I've only been here for a few hours. The more I'm away from Henford, the more I realise how trapping it can feel. Such a small country, and yet it feels so hollow and miserable compared to somewhere like this. The locals are all so polite, dressed in beautiful colourful outfits. Part of me wonders...Will I be in Henford for the rest of my life? For so long I never wanted to flee again, as witches always have to- but now, I don't want to be stuck in the same place.
Oskar and I stop off in a quaint little café in the square. It's fairly quiet.
"Everything just feels so hopeless, Áine. I somehow feel like less of a person. Everything feels meaningless and empty. You know what I mean, don't you?"
"Don't worry, Oskar," I reply. "Maybe somewhere else in town might have pretzels in stock."
Oskar finally lifts his head and starts nibbling at the bagels, but there's something genuinely troubling him, and I don't think it's just a lack of pretzels.
"There's another reason I bought you out here, Áine- sadly, it isn't a good reason, but I've decided to tell you first. I know how everyone likes to withhold things from you and tell you things far too late- I don't want to do that, no matter how difficult it is for me to explain..."
Withhold things? What's he talking about? Has someone else been hiding things from me? First Reynold, and now Oskar as well?
"What is it, Oskar?" I think he noted my frustration, and not in a good way.
"The reason I didn't tell you this before is because it would have made you worry about me needlessly. It wouldn't have affected me as a vampire. The reason Violeta turned me... was because I became gravely ill, and I didn't wish to die like that. I've recently been to a physician due to some familiar abnormalities, and he confirmed that...the illness that almost killed me is slowly coming back."
No. Not Oskar. Not my father.
It can't be. It doesn't make any sense.
I can't lose him.
"What are you talking about?"
"The good news is, it was found much earlier thanks to modern science and a little...you know," he says, mimicking the flicking of a wand. "Owen Annorin is doing all he can to try and find a solution of sorts, but for now...that's as much as I know."
"I can't," I blurt out. "I can't lose you, Oskar. You've done so much for me- for everyone."
"I understand that this is difficult, Áine," he replies, almost on the edge of tears, "but all anyone has ever done is withhold the truth from you. I didn't want to. It was no use telling you something like that when it never would have affected me in my immortality, but..."
Oskar has always loved his life, even during the rougher times. It isn't fair. This shouldn't happen to anyone like him. People like Annorin survive, and people like my father have their lives cut short. I understand that this is the way of life, but there are times that even I want to rebel against nature and fate alike.
"The only reason Eli knew about my illness before you is because Violeta told him a long time ago, so he would try to understand me better. I know this is hard to bear, Áine..."
How am I supposed to explain this to little Róisín when it happens? That the grandfather that she thought would live forever isn't going to be around for as long as she wanted? Reynold has explained the concept of death to her, but for her to see it so soon...I don't want it to happen, but there's little anyone can do about it. I'll just have to push this to the side for a moment. This isn't about me.
"So what are your plans whilst you're here?"
His demeanour suddenly changes.
"Well, I think you'd like the bluffs, perhaps the castle ruins...and we can try and find the sea monster."
"Sea monster?"
"Yes, Emily, the sea monster. I've seen her on occasion as a child, but of course, no-one believed me except for this old lady I used to talk to."
I'm not sure I entirely believe him, either, but with Oskar, who knows?
"And I think it'd be fun to see if my old home is still standing."
"I don't know about that, Oskar," I reply. "What if it's been knocked down, made into something else, that sort of thing?"
"I won't know until I have a look," he replies. I don't think I can convince him otherwise.
After he gives a sizable tip to the owner of this place, Oskar and I leave. The air is even more chilly than it was earlier, and I find the dreary winter cold emphasising my awful thoughts.
"The bluffs are beautiful. It's so lovely to sit and watch the sea, and we might even find-"
"...Áine?"
Oskar
There is no easy way to tell everyone about this, not at all. I didn't want to do what Reynold did and not tell her something she needed to know. I knew it would hurt her, but there was no other way...I didn't want to wait until it was too late. My idea was that it would give her time to process everything, but all I've done is break her heart. I can hear her sniffling, and my heart feels heavy as a boulder in my chest.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Oskar."
I don't really know what to say. Usually, I always have something to say, but not this time. All I can do is what any father would do- comfort his child as best as he can.
Her tears soak straight through my jacket. It's painful to see her so upset.
Áine doesn't realise just how strong she is. I think sometimes, deep down, she thinks back to when her birth 'father' showed his true colours, and back to her childhood, that's what I think. I remember in surprising clarity when I was about her age, when my parents were finally in their frailer years- I worried how I would live without them, though deep down, I was more than capable.
"Áine...I understand why you're hurting so much. Your entire life, every time you've found comfort, it's been taken from you in some way or form. I can't imagine how painful that must be."
Her crying begins to subside, and she gazes up at me with glassy, glittering eyes.
"But you'll still have your daughter, and you'll still have Reynold. I know for a fact that they won't leave you behind. They'll always be there for you. They love you- as I do."
She lifts her head from my shoulder, and puts her hands together.
"Why don't you show me where you used to live?"
* * *
Once we arrive back near where I used to live, I find that the house my parents built is no longer there- though I am not upset by it. It has been so many years that I imagined it would be different now. It's much simpler and, of course, much more modern.
"So this is a completely new building?"
"It is, though my curiosity is getting the better of me, I think..."
"Well, you're a complete stranger. Who knows who lives in that house? They might mistake you for someone who's trying to survey the place for a break-in of some kind- or something else nefarious."
Áine is right- it might possibly seem that way, but life is short- even shorter than I previously thought it would be. Even if they chase me off with a broom or a sword or worse, part of me would like to see what became of my old home. I suppose it wouldn't seem too bad if I were honest and just said I used to live there.
I see something black and four-legged stood at the door- a dog. How adorable!
I look back to Áine in delight. "Oh, how cute. That sweet dog is saying hello to us!"
Áine gives me a concerned look. "I think it's actually telling you to piss off."
As it comes closer, I hear its barks turn to snarls, and the Rottweiler charges after me!
Áine dashes behind a tree and leaves me to deal with the ferocious mutt! My mortal legs give up on me, and a sharp pain burns through my leg as it sinks its jaws in. I collapse face-first into the thick snow, the dog still snarling and circling me.
"Áine! Do something!"
"Do what?" she cries out.
"You know- something! Your thing!"
"I can't do 'my thing' on the spot! I need to prepare first!"
I hoped she could turn into a wolf and scare it off, but I see I'm on my own here-
"Ida! Get back here! Leave that poor woman alone!"
I lift myself to my legs, hobbling over to the woman at the door of the house. She's quite young, about my daughter's age.
"Oh, you poor thing! And I'm sorry I mistook you for a woman."
"I wouldn't say 'mistook'."
"Oh? I...see? Well, anyway, I'm sorry about my Ida. I have her to protect me. Is your leg okay?"
"It's fine," I lie. It isn't fine at all.
"Anyhow, I'm Liesel," she says, shaking my hand. "Come on in- I need to feed my Ida anyway."
"I promise she's not always like that. She's only like that to protect me. Look, she's feeling all guilty now! She wants to be your friend! She just loves to be petted!"
"Well, tell your dog that I appreciate the apology, but I'm not taking my risks. I like my hands, and as such, do not want them severed."
I call back to Áine, who lowers her eyelids at me and tells me she's off to go and look at the castle ruins not too far from here. Such little faith in me from my own daughter! Either way, I suppose she might need some time to process everything to herself, so I tell her I'll meet her at the rental home later. Windenburg is easy enough to find your way around.
When I enter Liesel's house, I'm taken aback by the cosiness of it. The stench of paint fills my nostrils as we walk in. In a way, it's quite warming to see this plot of land is still home to passionate creatives, as it always was.
"Oh, you're an artist? How wonderful."
Then I notice something atop her shelves- some old familiar woodwork pieces. I could swear they are one of my own pieces, but for now, I say nothing. It could always be a replica- people are always mimicking the greats and trying to pass them off as the real deal.
"I must say, I love what you've done with the place," I tell her.
"I'm glad, though I must ask what you're doing around these parts. Are you new to this part of Windenburg?"
"Ah. Well, you see, I used to live here in this very house, some time ago. I was just seeing how things had changed since I'd been at Henford."
Liesel already looks rather confused. I see Ida behind her, likely ready to pounce again.
"But my family have been living here for a very long time now. Maybe about one hundred years or so." She gives me a dark look. "Whatever you're planning, I'm not afraid to set Ida on you."
I realise in my curiosity, I've backed myself into a corner- and now my fragile mortal body wouldn't survive an altercation with a guard dog and a woman who likely has some sharp objects amongst her art materials. I suppose I owe her the truth.
"I'm telling you the truth, Liesel, though it may seem as if it makes no sense."
"Who are you?!"
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for a reaction. "I'm Oskar Nivelheim. My family used to-"
"Wait, what? Nivelheim?"
"Yes, the master woodworkers. You must have heard of-"
"You! You're the vampire, aren't you? The one who wrote the diary!"
What? What's she talking about? How does she know? Did I...did I leave something behind all those years ago?
"That's what you were doing, wasn't it? You tricked me into inviting you inside!"
Ida jumps at me, and I quickly pick up a sofa cushion and throw it towards her in an attempt to distract her. Liesel dives into the kitchen, retrieving an oddly-coloured dagger from the drawer. My heart jumps into my mouth. This is where I die- again? Where I used to live, cornered by an artist and her attack dog?! Is this really more dignified than rotting away with illness? Hardly.
"I know how to kill a vampire, you know- a knife to the heart is all it takes. You can't run now."
"Goodness, this isn't necessary at all!" I yell at her, desperately trying to calm her and her mutt down. "I was a vampire, yes, but I'm not now. I was cured against my will. Look, I can prove it- put the knife down, and put your hand to my chest. I promise I won't hurt you. Do you think I'd attempt such a thing in front of Ida?"
Liesel lowers the dagger, placing it on the kitchen counter. She gently puts her palm to my chest, and I notice her nerves settling, and Ida seems to quieten down.
"You're breathing. You're warm. And-"
"My heart is beating. Yes. I'm human now, as I said."
Ida sits behind her and gives me a curious look, her big brown eyes glittering. She's not fooling anyone.
"When my family first arrived here all those years ago, we kept some sculptures that the previous family must have made. We were demolishing the house to build anew, and we didn't want to get rid of their hard work."
"Thank you. I truly mean that. Hang on to them- they might be worth money," I tell her. "Either they're my own work, or my parents'. If I recall correctly, they'll both have a notch somewhere in the base, normally near the signature."
She looks more convinced now, but almost disheartened, heading towards her bookcase. She pulls out a tattered leather book- it's my 'diary' I wrote in in my infancy as a vampire. I wrote most of my diaries after the move to Nebelstadt and whilst I was in Lunvik. I must have left this one behind when Violeta rushed me to leave this place for my own safety. She carefully thumbs through it as she walks back to the kitchen, glancing between myself and the pages, her eyes shining with what appears to be tears.
"At first, I thought this was someone's creative project. I read it back-to-back in my youth thinking it was a draft of a horror novel. It wasn't until I heard stories of creatures of the night that I wondered if Oskar Nivelheim was more than just a scary story...but you mean to say this is all true?"
That was always meant to be private. I feel a little violated knowing some complete stranger obsessively read through my darkest innermost thoughts at that point in my life, but I suppose it saves some explaining.
"Yes, it's all true," I explain to her, unable to hide the dread in my voice. "I've been between Windenburg, Lunvik, and an abandoned rural town most of my life. I moved to Henford some time ago."
She huddles towards the wall, her hand near the dagger. "I see. What's Henford like?"
"It's a shithole."
"Ah, I see. I...I'm sorry I tried to hurt you. I always feared that maybe the vampire would come back to do harm, and then-"
"Don't apologise, Liesel. It isn't necessary. The truth is, I came to Windenburg with my daughter because I wanted to bond with her and let her see where I grew up. You see, the illness you read about has returned. I wanted to revisit my home country before...you know. The inevitable."
"That's awful," Liesel replies, her voice quivering. Ida whimpers. I didn't mean to make her feel bad; I just don't want her to think I've returned for any nefarious reason, though she's still understandably shook by it all. "Well...if you'd like, I'd be interesting to know some more of what it actually used to be like here."
"Okay, then, and you can tell me all about what things have been like since I've gone. Does that sound like a fair deal?"
Ida seems to think so.
* * *
After a chat and some tea with Liesel and Ida, who had both warmed up to me somewhat after the ...altercation, I visit my parents for the first time in years.
It feels surreal to see Johann and Lorelei again- I still have a strangely-vivid memory of the first and last time I'd visited their graves. I remember the cold loneliness that pooled in my chest back then. Of course, I was in my mid-thirties and more than capable of looking after myself, but I treasured them more than they could have known. I was lucky to have had people like them in my life- and I tried to take a leaf from their book, and be the kind of person to others that they were to me. I wanted to make other children feel as lucky as I did. I just hope that's how they all felt and still feel about me- all the countless people I've at least partially raised over the years, as well as my children- Ilse, Eli, and Áine.
When I was a child, I wouldn't go anywhere near the cemetry. The thought of death terrified me, and I always feared what sorts of monsters lurked with the intent of killing me in my sleep, or whatever scary stories you overheard the other children tell each other. Just imagine my dread in adulthood upon finding out I was going to die, only to find out shortly after that I was instead going to live forever...and now I'm back to square one.
I'm trying to find a bright side to all of this, yet I cannot think of one. I suppose I should think myself lucky that I lived for so long when many children don't even reach their fourth birthdays, but to try and convince myself of an upside...it's simply not possible. Strangely, the part that hurts the most is how much I know it will hurt other people. I dread having to tell Violeta when we return from our break, and I dread having to tell little Róisín, and even Alistair.
Do you make the most of the time you have and do everything you've always wanted to do? Do you do nothing at all and just live your normal life? Do you sacrifice yourself for some kind of greater good? Do you lie about your feelings to others to comfort them, or do you tell people the truth and risk hurting them? I thought I was over all of my self-questioning, but there's always something around the corner to make you second-guess yourself again.
Áine
I wonder how Oskar's antics are faring back at his old home...I decide to take a look around by myself. I need some time to myself to try and think about all that my father told me.
And now I have another reason to dread the future- knowing that Oskar won't be with me for as long as I'd hoped. He's been everything to me that Brádach wasn't, and without him, so many things would have been much, much worse. I would have been killed by Violeta or by witchfinders. Annorin would have gotten away with it, and that was also thanks to Kat. I'd have never met Eli. Who knows what would have happened to my daughter.
Though I haven't really thought about it until now, thinking of Brádach makes me realise that, even had Oskar not have taken ill, there's a chance that I'll outlive my own father. To drain Brádach's entire life force...just how much did that extend my life? Would it happen again? All of these years, and still much of my mother's grimoire makes little sense to me.
I've always felt incomplete without my mother- like there will always be a piece of myself that is missing. No matter how much I've tried to fill that gap, it's like nothing works. I still feel like half a woman, half a witch. I just want a world where I can fully be myself without apology, yet even in my likely-extended lifetime...maybe that won't happen. Maybe, tens or even hundreds of years later, we'll still be fleeing for our lives from witchfinders. Perhaps it isn't about defeating the witchfinders- it's just a case of learning to cope, as it always is.
Oskar has always been one of Henford's best defenses against them, and without him...I feel as if every witch in Henford will feel the after-effects of the inevitable.
Violeta
Even with a vampire's agility, the journey to Windenburg leaves my muscles aching.When Eli said he'd gone to Windenburg, I knew something was wrong. Oskar still has years ahead of him, and yet he's behaving as if he's on his last legs. I know Oskar better than anyone else, and I don't think solely curiosity would bring him back here. The bluffs are gorgeoeus, bathed in orange sunlight and glittering on the water. Even to someone as emotionally-diminished as myself, there's an unmatched placidity of the soft crashing of wave against rock against the setting sun... as much of an artistic cliché as it might be.
I've been here for a few hours now, just watching in silence, painting the scene. Oskar has never sat still for this long, so I'm making the most of it. Once I'm nearly finished, I make my way over to him, as gingerly as he did the day we met.
"Good evening."
He doesn't hear me the first time. The second time, he quickly turns around to see me, but not in excitement- moreso in fear.
"Violeta! How did you know I was here at the bluffs?"
"Because you're the only person I know who would act like a tourist in their own home country," I reply, laughing, though he doesn't see the funny side. "I'm joking. I know you like it here."
He stares straight through me, horrified.
"Eli says you came here with Áine. Is she here?"
"No," he replies, dryly. "She's at our rental home at the moment."
"There's something troubling you, Oskar. What's going on?"
I notice his eyes glitter in the muted sunlight.
"Violeta...I can't. It'll break your heart."
"You can tell me anything," I tell him. "You know-"
Slowly dissolving into tears, he explains what's been troubling him all this time, and I freeze. I don't hear anything else he's saying.
His illness came back. He knows this because a physician confirmed it.
For now, aside from the immediate shock, I feel nothing. My mind refuses to accept it. In time, however, I feel my emotionlessness will begin to slip. The one thing that's kept me going for hundreds of years will begin to crack away.
I find myself in the same place I was in when we met- consoling him through his hopeless tears. I can't hear anything he's saying through my dissociation from this moment. Normally, I always know what to say, a mother always does- but now, I don't. All I can do is listen.
Ever since Oskar had become human again, it lingered in the back of my mind, the possibility that perhaps his ailment would return in some way or form, or that his newly-human body wouldn't have the defenses it should have had against common sicknesses.
I suppose I just never expected the former theory to be the correct one.
Back then, Oskar didn't have as much to lose- of course, there was the family business, but he was the only one left in his family, and he generally kept to himself most of the time outside of the family business. Now, he has a family of his own and close friends that he doesn't want to let down or upset by this information. He doesn't want to leave any of that behind.
I also had nothing to lose back then.
Now, much sooner than I'd expected, I'm going to lose the only man I ever trusted. My best friend.
My son.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ignore the sudden change of outfit for Violeta. It's taken me 4 weeks to write this chapter, I'm not redoing any of it. X_X