CONTENT WARNING: discussion of trauma, family issues, mention of death threats
Áine
At long last, I have somewhere permanent to stay. I won't be on the run anymore, constantly looking for a place to call home.
Róisín is the best thing to happen to either of us. The name means 'little rose', only she's twice as beautiful as any rose. We love her unconditionally. She's precious beyond words. I'll do whatever it takes to protect her, and to give her the best life I can give her.
Oskar had given us both our Winterfest gift. He'd carved some wolves for us, using both wood and stone. They're beautiful. The way he manages to perfectly capture the whole essence of an animal just with a chisel and some wood and stone is beyond me.
The Peteran monastery holds its first Winterfest meal for all the locals, the first not to be hosted by Mother Joyce in countless years. Reynold and the others share a word and a prayer for her before tucking in to the delicious food. To eat so well after eating almost nothing except 'vampire fish' back at Nebelstadt...it's wonderful.
After we've finished dinner, I managed to catch up with Clem, who's excited to see her niece. She's delighted with her.
"Oh, look at you! You're so cute...and thank goodness you look nothing like your father! Be glad you look more like your mother!" she says, chuckling and kissing her on the head. Róisín lets out a chirpy gurgle, kicking her feet. "I was overjoyed when Reynold sent the letter to say you were safely delivered, Áine. I was worried about you and the baby, but I'm glad you are both doing well."
"Thank you, Clem. I know you're excited about meeting Róisín, but there's something I'd like to discuss with you."
"Oh? Is something the matter?"
I know she probably doesn't want to talk about it, but I feel the need to explain what I know now. Maybe woman to woman, I can try to help her somehow.
"Clem...I know what happened now. I know what...what Reynold did to you. He told me everything."
Her reaction is as expected. I don't feel good bringing up something so traumatic, but I just hope I can try and help somehow.
She stares blankly through me for a moment, without moving. Out of nowhere, she speaks in an eerie monotone to me. "I knew it. I knew that eventually you'd know, and then you'd hate me for it."
"Hate you? Clem, why would I hate you for-"
"Because I told your partner that I wished he was dead. That I wanted him to be burned at the stake. That I wanted some ailment to take him from me. You think it's all my fault, don't you? You think I'm terrible- that I deserved it. I can't lie to you, I meant what I said back then at the time. I hated him-"
"No! Clem, I don't think anything of the sort."
I bring her to her feet, and she's in tears again.
"Áine, have you- have you seen it?" she asks, shaking. I put my hand on her arm to try and soothe her. "Have you seen the werewolf?"
I nod. "I did. When it was the full moon, he asked our host to leave him in the basement, behind bars."
"Why did your host have a prison in the basement?"
"It's a long story, but the thing is...when I approached him, he didn't try to hurt me. He didn't snarl at me or anything. Just sniffed at me, and sat by me."
"You weren't scared?"
"No, not really. I was taken aback, but I wasn't scared."
"I don't think I can ever see it again," Clem replies. "But if Reynold didn't hurt you, then...I can't do it, Áine. No matter how much I wonder if I should, I don't know if I can ever forgive him-"
"Clem, I'm not telling you this because I want you to forgive him. I'm telling you this because I want you to have someone you can actually talk to about it, if you want to, woman to woman. You've had to keep this to yourself for almost three years. Not only that, but I'm telling you this because...I think you're constantly feeling like it's going to happen again.
He didn't hurt me, and to me, that's a good sign that he won't hurt you or anyone else again. You don't ever have to forgive him if that's what will help you heal, but I don't think he will ever try to hurt you again."
Clem dries her face off a little.
"I...I trust your judgment, Áine. We don't even know each other terribly well, and yet you're the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. The other Jacobans aren't keen on me, and you're one of the only people who's nice to me other than Shepherd Julian. I hope that doesn't sound clingy."
"It doesn't," I reply. "I'm only a letter or a visit away if you ever want to talk. I'm living with Reynold now. I don't think he plans to live permanently at the monastery like Mother Joyce did. You're always welcome to visit, and to see little Róisín whenever you like."
Clem throws her arms around me, and I don't expect it at all- but I just want her to feel safe, to not permanently feel as she did in that moment when her brother lashed out at her. If she doesn't feel safe with him, then I'll at least make sure she feels safe with me...or, at least, I'll do my best to.
Reynold
Áine wanted to speak to Clem in private back at the monastery. I've had a heavy heart ever since, but I think I ought to speak to Clem. I don't know what to expect, but either way, she'll want to at least know about her niece, and I want her to join us for Winterfest in a few days. It seems it's only Shepherd Julian in the cathedral, who I don't particularly want to deal with at the moment.
"Ah, Reynold."
"Oh? No 'Father', then?"
"No- not out of disrespect, but out of the fact that saying that to someone almost fifty years younger than me just sounds far too strange. Though I ought to offer my congratulations to you on the ordination, and of course, on the birth of your child."
I can't tell what's sincere and what isn't from him.
"However, Reynold, I do hope you're ready for the potential challenges of parenthood. I don't particularly want to give unsolicited advice on a subject like this, but-"
"No, really. I'm used to people's unsolicited advice at this point. Go ahead." What on Earth does Shepherd Julian know about parenting? Surely he doesn't have children? He seems way too devoted to even think about it.
"You see, Reynold, I understand that Peterans are generally pacifists, but you must understand that as much as the birth of a child can brighten your world, it can also completely turn it upside-down. In all honesty, you may have to break every rule in the Book of Peter if you are to be a good father to your child. In the Book of Jacob, anything you do to protect your flock is entirely justified- be that your people as Father of the church, or your family."
"You don't think I'm prepared for this, do you?"
"That's not my point, Reynold. What I'm trying to tell you is...do whatever you need to, to keep her safe. And cherish every day that you spend with her."
I figure that there's a story here that he doesn't want to share. I don't bother to ask about it, so I just thank him for his 'advice'. He tells me Clem is outside, and was practicing with her sword.
* * *
When she sees me, she lays the sword down on a bench. I half-expected her to thrust Jacob's Sword right through me. She's normally scowling at me, but her face looks almost completely devoid of any emotion. The snow outside the cathedral is slushy, turning to rime, and the frost on the benches seems to be melting away.
"Afternoon, Clem. I wanted to ask if you'd like to join us on Winterfest day."
"Áine told me that you told her about what happened."
Not a single feeling drips from those words at all.
"I did. I should have told her earlier. She was angry with me for a long time, but rightfully so."
Clem crosses her arms, and looks away from me. I don't know if I'm ready to hear what she has to say about it all, but it probably needs to be said.
"I meant what I said back then, Reynold," she says, in a near-whispery voice. "I wanted you dead. I wished you were never born. That wasn't something I said out of anger. Back then, I meant those words entirely."
I don't blame her for having felt that way. Back then, I didn't really do anything for her. I didn't really notice or sometimes care that Father didn't take much interest in her.
"I understand. And do you still feel that way now? Be honest. I won't be angry with you, I promise."
She doesn't say anything for a while, kicking her foot into the melting snow.
"I don't. I haven't felt that way for a very long time. That's why I've never told anyone about you, your magic, the wolf...because you're my brother. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I hope you believe me."
"I don't want anything bad to happen to you either, Clem. I hope you believe me as well."
"Áine told me that she saw you as the wolf during a full moon, and that you didn't hurt her. You just watched her and sat next to her, and that was it. She even put her hand near the bars to hold yours, but all you did was walk away from her. I didn't believe you'd really changed, not from our interactions. That, and most men don't seem to change at all. Father never did, half the Jacobans don't..."
"I've been doing everything I can to keep on top of it, Clem. I even managed to hold off a full moon transformation for a few months, as difficult as it was. I can't do that now, not with everything I have to worry about- but I have a better grasp on it now. When I was away, our host gave me his own advice as well; he knew what it was like to lose control of a power he didn't fully understand. He told me that a werewolf would never hurt a loved one- something to do with familiar scent and the human subconscious. You won't believe this, but he was actually a vampire, and even knew our father, which is how he knew so much about the Lunvinchenaîné. He was furious knowing that he'd never taught me anything about it, though."
"A vampire? Father knew a vampire? He never talked about that before. I thought the vampires from the war were all dead now... Either way, Reynold, I've chosen to trust Áine's judgment. I know that she isn't the sort to be biased. If she tells me that she believes you wouldn't hurt any of us again, then I choose to believe her."
Three years. It took nearly three years for me to convince Clem that I wouldn't hurt her again, and eventually it was Áine that managed to convince her. I'm glad the two seem to be becoming friends, at least, and that at least Clem can finally start properly healing from what happened.
"I know you'll be a good father to little Róisín. I know you won't do what our father did. You'll explain everything to her."
I don't expect her to throw her arms around me, but through her tears, I hear a word I didn't think I'd ever hear her say.
"I forgive you, Reynold. So long as you absolutely promise to do the best for all of us, I forgive you."
I don't move for a while, mainly because I don't want Clem to see my tears. We haven't hugged since we were young children. She barely let me put a hand on her shoulder before. I can feel her quivering a little at first, but then she relaxes.
"Don't worry, Clem. When she's old enough, I'm going to explain everything to her. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure she understands her blood as best as she's able to. I don't know if you'll believe it coming from me, but you're safe now, Clem. And if you ever feel like you aren't-"
"I have a sword, Reynold-"
"If you ever feel like you aren't, and you don't have a sword with you, then you have Áine and I- anytime."
Clem and I finally look at each other, red-eyed and embarassed. "Thank you, Reynold. And yes, I'll come over for Winterfest. It'll be good to see Róisín again."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Given the length of time I have to cover in this story, the following chapter will skip ahead about three years. The next chapter will be a rough summary of what happened in those three years, but there will likely be parts of this story where you will think 'but it makes no sense that X didn't happen / wasn't as bad during the timeskip!' because of the occasional few-years jumps I'll have to do from here on out. 3